Had it enough dy. I also don't know what to do. Well, honestly, I'm trying to accept everyone back again, including that guy i hate so much. But seems like some people just don't want to accept me back as friend, so what to do?

To Lucas,

What you said all those you might think it's bullshits to me, actually I've been thinking all this while. Not just right now, or after you told me, is along this whole sem. Yes, you might blamed me for not considering friend's feelings, not sharing their burdens. But, I had enough of what I got for over 1 whole year. I need times to overcome it, i need to overcome myself. Myself, is my biggest enemy. I've lost myself in the sea of people. How can i find myself back and be back like my old self again? I trust no one in us. I can't find anyone i can trust and share everything. The more i trust that person, the more that person backstab me. Humans sometimes not as kind as we think. I had a lot more problems than you think, but it's useless to share to everyone. Later people go gossip around with it and add some stories and in the end spoiling my image badly. I'm hurt badly, can't even protect and care for myself well, do you still think i can go care about them? I don't really care anymore what's going on among our friends, if you guys want me to join for gathering, then i'll just show up, if didn't invite me, i also won't be so thick face to ask to join. I'll show up when i'm needed, and disappeared when i'm not, sounds fair and square. I'm no longer smile at them anymore. Even if you see me smiling at you all, it would be the sorrowful smile. You wish that i can love everyone, but i don't have love in me. I'm no longer in their world. Everyone gave me an hard one, whenever i saw their face, the pain in me were double times coming back to me.
Well, i don't want to say much more anymore, don't want ended up blaming everyone, and then you blamed me back again. It's funny that how things goes. You want me to change, yes i'm willing to give it a try, but, this time, i'll be a quiet and less smile in our gang. I promised you i won't hurt any of your friends, and i shall be. Less talk, less misunderstanding, less burden. That's all to you.

And to all my friends who still reading my blog, i'm closing down my blog now. Coz this blog bringing up lots of problems. Might be create a new one, if do, i'll let you know PERSONALLY. =)

Bye everyone, thanks and sorry too. =)

Ok...I've been spending 1 whole day to edit my blog skin. And now this is the new skin for my blog. Feeling refreshing after looking at my "new" blog.

But then, I'm not satisfies with this skin, coz the whole thing more the the left side and not in the centre. I tried to adjust it but don't know how. So...I think I might go look for another new skin and edit it.

This is so good to kill my boredom. Spending long time dealing with the HTML codes. Feels like I'm studying programming again, just that this programming is a lot easier than the programmings I've learned in my course.


Yesterday afternoon before I start my blog skin project, Annie asked me to read WL's blog. And after I read it, I was so shocked and I can't believed it just happened to a friend who just hang out with us and had movie with us on wednesday night.

When he's driving back home, just at the traffic light outside his house area, a white kancil crashed into him at the driver seat. Of course, it was the kancil's fault coz the owner crossed the red light. Luckily that he's ok, no injuries, just in shock state. But still, after read it, I can imagine how freakin'ly freak out it feels when you were driving as usual and somebody just bumped into you directly to your driver seat. I can imagine that I feel the death is coming after you, just like how my friend felt.

This holidays is total freak out! Coz i keep received news from my friends that this one just got accidents, that one got accidents few days ago...1st, is 1 of my friend's mom, don't know bumped or being bumped, but she's ok. 2nd, another girl friend, bumped into people's car, not serious, just a scratch. Although in the end she no need to pay, but indirectly she got grounded at home, disallowed to drive for...don't know how long. 3rd, my another girl friend, she said she got into 3 accidents within few days in a row. But her last accident was big damage. She bumped into people's car, she need to pay for their damage, and for her own too. However, she's in god condition, don't worry. And finally, my friend above.

It's so scary until I don't feel like going out anymore. But staying at home really turning me into a pig. Eat, sleep, eat and sleep. 1 day I don't know how many times I eat, how many times I sleep. Too bored. Until...


Last night, Dyg find me in msn. I don't know why yesterday I spent almost my whole day chatting, coz it's like everyday no chat with anyone at all, coz everyone is bored until no topics to talk about. But yesterday just happened to be everyone chatting ei~ lol

Anyway, let's go back to the topic. Dyg suddenly find me. A bit surprising tho. However... actually, she's going off to Australia next week, going to study at Melbourne Swinburne, not student exchange but going to finish off her course and graduate there. (My engineering girl friends gonna be less 1 girl dy. sob sob...) So before she going off, she wanna settle everything here 1st, including her dance troop. She told me that her dance instructor is lack of dancers, and since she's leaving soon, her dance troop will only left 2-3 dancers. Her instructor is looking for talent dancer who are willing to work hard for it, and she recommended me to her instructor. There's an big event is going to be held during November, and their troop is going to perform. That's why her instructor is looking for dancers so badly.

The class fees of the studio is RM50 per class, 1 class per week, 1 month 4 classes, so total RM200 fees per month. I told her I'm really interested in joining, but I can't afford the fees. Well, I'll be very very sad if I can't have this one and only chance. Coz you also know that I love dancing so much. Oh ya, forgot to let you know that she's a belly dancer. (wiu wit~ lol) But if I'm joining them, I'm not going to learn belly dance la, will be other dance. Hehe...

Answer will be...still considering... =)


I'm super hungry now and I wanted to eat KFC now~ so long didn't eat dy. =(

As days passed by, boredom getting serious than ever. Mind start getting empty, and start to simply think.

Yesterday was wednesday, as everyone know, wednesday is movie day. Actually i have no intention to go for a movie, coz recently there's no other nicer movie than Transformers 2. (Although it wasn't that awesome too. -.-) However, in the end, i ended up watching movie with EE friends. Before the movie, me and Angel went to 175 cafe to have a look and had a drink. But then, didn't expect it would be that expensive. Eating nothing much but a very big glass of iced cappuccino (which causes me sleepless right now) and a bowl of mushroom soup with a garlic bread can cost me RM14. Ngaiti~ really killing me! T__T now that i really bankrupt. And so for the rest of the day i can only stay at home grow mushroom. Haiz...

We split into 2 groups, me and 3 more friends watch 'State of Play' while the rest watch 'Transformers 2'. I don't know others but for me, the movie i watched seems a boring movie for me. About politics and lies... I dislike politics, that's all i know. -_-||| How can a life can be that boring until ended up watching boring movies just to kill time? Gosh~ my life is so pathetic ei~


Well, there's one thing that had make me so kek xim for long time. It's her. I also don't know why....maybe is it because of she's my friend? But then i really always being kek tiok by her. One thing she did yesterday, was she changed back her facebook profile picture to her old emo "da tou zhao". Well, sorry for being straight forward, but i just can't bare to hide it inside my heart, i just want to say it out here... "Da tou zhao" isn't suitable for you. Or more likely, Ah Lien style doesn't suit you at all. I know that, for quite a time that you've been imitate that girl or her friends' style, trying to be like among them. (Or maybe not, i'm just trying to say out how i feel and think, hope that you don't mind...) Somehow i think that maybe you want to be like her so that you can grab back his heart? As her style is his taste?

One thing i hate about in this styling issue, is that i hate people trying to imitate others and be like them. That is, people wannabe. That's the worst thing that could be in your whole life. Girls should know best of what's their best feature in them and should wisely use it and be their ownself, have their own style. Doesn't it be better that you have your own style until other girls think that you're cool and trying to copy your style instead? Besides, although age is a forbbiden thing to talk about for girls, but somehow, girls should always be aware about it. Even if you or every girls trying to be younger than their looks, also should not be having too big gap until it start to let people think that you'll never grow up, or wannabe which might let people feeling gross. Example, if you're age 22, but you still dress like 18 or 19th? That's so horrible! Realize that we're not teenagers anymore, we're adults, we're young ladies, we're sweet young ladies.

2 days ago, i went to popular bookstore while waiting for my mom. I went to look for books. And saw 1 chinese book which i know that i must read it somehow no matter how. Even all my girl friends who already age 20 and above should read it. I bought it. (Spent money again...haiz...but at least it worth it.)

Ok...let's see what this book about. How come i suddenly mentioned about this book? I think i just write it in chinese as some words i don't know how to translate. So sorry for those who can't understand mandarin. =X

Title: 20岁以后成为魅力女王

From the front cover:
20岁前，你希望自己能是一位公主；
20岁后，你明白自己要去做个女王。
20岁前，青春就是你的魅力来源，
20岁后，你的魅力成分准备好升级了吗？
(Sounds interesting? Not so? Let's continue...)

From the back cover:
很多20多岁女人都有一个坏毛病，总是想知道在对方心中是怎样的印象。其实这是个很可笑的问题，你想，对于别人怎么看自己这个问题，我们不是应该比别人更清楚吗？
(This meaning CONFIDENCE. No confidence in yourself, then you'll lose to every girls that got in your way.)

善于拒绝的女人喜欢思考，哪怕是好友的怂恿，旁人别有用心的劝说，只要违背了她的思想和做人原则，绝不受他人资配合影响。她的人格和思想是独立的，这样女人值得每一个好男人去爱。
(This meaning that, a girl who have independent thoughts and personalities and know how to REJECT everything that offence her principle of life, and never get influence by others who trying to make her fall, will be loved by every single good guy. And this is true.)

不做一个理性到没有情感起伏的冷血女人，也不做一个矿容道可以随便老公外面乱来的可怜女人，制作认真生活，认真去爱的宽容女人。
(I think this one everyone also know la. So i no need to explain much about it. It's about how to treat and control your LOVE.)

Well, the context i'll update for those who interested to know about it. What this book is mainly about is that girls who already 20 and above should be self-conscious about their ages and should not be like teenage girl, everyday dreaming and waiting for prince charming to appear anymore. No more prince charming is gonna get you when you're a young lady now, so should stop dreaming. Instead, girls should work it out for themselves, make themselves to be more attractive than before, treat themselves wisely and make their life better than before. Make yourself a beautiful queen so that handsome king will come for you. LOL! All this is gonna review the context inside the book. Should not have say it much more. So stay tune if you wanna know more. =)

********

Oh well, it's almost 5am in the morning now. Should get some sleep or else i really became an night owl. That's not good. I still want my beauty face. LOL. I know i know i aren't pretty so don't puke. XD Good night sweetie. =D ;P

Is it possible that i ended up back to my 1st love in the future? I don't know, and i don't want to think about it, coz i'm scared, i'm scared of facing disappointment when i'm giving too much hope...

Recently people around me asking do i have new bf or not, 1 is 2nd ex's friend (who had gf dy) asked, another 1 is my 1st love. He's chatting with me on msn right now. He's leaving later, 9am flight, back to Pahang study. This time we didn't have the chance to meet up. He said sorry to me, but i felt strange somehow. I'm not used to hear sorry from him. Maybe because....last time he seldom say sorry to me when we didn't meet up? I also not sure.

Listening to slow love songs now...rather emo songs. But my heart start crying again...i don't like myself being like this. I hate being emo. I want to be happy. I want to be tough. Everyday I'm trying hard to live happily and take care of my friends who aren't in good situation or emo-ing. Inside club, i'm like a elder sister, taking all the kids, be there when they facing problems in their life, be counselor for them, be a supporter for them. As for my EE friends, i don't know how am i supposed to face them. What i feel from them is just that, they doesn't need me at all. I mean, i am nothing for them. Even asking those who are free to come out also hard to get them out. But then...if i do go out with them, me and them got nothing much to talk and share about too. Me and them are like strangers, trying to get some talks, but still, we're living in a different world. We ended up i'm enjoying in my own world and they enjoying in their own world. I have lost faith, passion, trust and trust in them. Feel like they're no longer in my life, and when they trying to come back into my life into my world, it's hard for me to accept it, because i just can't...

I'm always the supporter, the listener, the counselor, the advicer to others, i always seems to be a tough and strong person to others, but deep inside me, i'm just as weak as the rest. I'm only human. I need shelter, need support, need to be listen, need advices in all my actions. I ever told 'A' that i'm no more interested in finding a bf or looking for cute handsome guys. I told her i'm not expecting any guys popping out in my life. Well, deep deep deep inside, i only hope for a guy who is strong enough, warm enough, nice enough and sweet enough to take care of me. I just need a warm and tough shoulder to lay on when i'm tired. I need a companion who always accompany no matter where i am, give support to me, give advice to me when i needed it, and never will let me drop a tear. I'm only waiting for this person to appear in my life, and that's all what i wish for...

A bunch of good friends can turns into like that. It somehow pathetic. I used to love all of them, hang around with them, have fun with them, do fun things together. However, i felt myself being pushed away by them. I don't know how much did they talked bad about me. And it hurts when you actually heard how and what they talked bad about you...

This sem really teruk until tiam tiam. Last sem is "J", until this sem comes 2 "J"s, then suddenly popped out "A", then another "A" again...then slowly slowly virus infecting everyone. They all came at the same time, and i'm just a human, i'm not God, and not a real Devil either, why don't they understand the pains and sufferness when you have to take them all down together once? For those who ever had a real relationship before should understand the pains, and for those who never in it before, should try to step in people's shoes and support them, and not destroying them from sideway.

I felt that i have changed...changed in the point of views and thoughts compare between last time and right now. Last time I'm just like kids, never think about others, want to do anything just do only, shout out loud, embarrassing ownself and don't even mind about it, kept assuming people treating me bad just because they did it on purpose and hates them for life. I never try to understand how people feel and think. Until lots of things happened to me since last sem until now, it has been half a year already, bad things happened to me. I would never hurt any of my friends, as long as they are considered as friend to me. Even though it takes to exchange happiness, i would rather hurt myself than hurting them. Hurting them hurts me more. I dislike that feelings. I treasure friendships a lot, because even though i failed in my relationship life, i still have a bunch of good friends to feel good together. I'm not desperate for relationship, but desperate for friendship.

I called a few of them during critical time for several time, they didn't even pick up my phone. If i were last time, i'll pissed off very badly and angry with them and assumed that they don't want to pick it up on purpose. But now, i only will take that as they are busy with their own reports, or left their phone in the bag, car, or home. This is not an example, but it did happened when i tried to find them, in the end no one is picking up the phone. so? what to do? Me and "A" can only work on reports on our own. And there's another girl, who also happened to be like the old past time me, got angry just because i didn't pick up the phone. Well, i just want to do a small explanation about that day only, i'm out with my friend for a lunch, we just reached the center town, going to have lunch, then she messaged me, i replied, then we continue to walk to a cafe, after that i want to check out the time on my phone, took out my phone, saw 2 misscalls, 1 from her, 1 from "A". She called me 1st, then "A" called, in the misscall list, her name is below "A"'s name, so indirectly i called "A" back 1st before call her back, mana tau...my innocent call became my crime ki. -_- I teruk kena blamed, and being asked to do the report alone. That time i was really pissed, and i didn't even had my lunch with my friend yet, my friend have to send me back to uni liao. I had promised my friend that i'll have lunch with him long time ago, and in the end i broke my promise. Until now i still very paiseh to my friend, felt so guilty. However, after i finished the report the next day, i choose to forgive her, because i know that she's very frus and stress with all the works, and whenever she's stressed, she'll blown up like a volcano. Sorry to say you like that but that's the reason that me and "A" really really scared of you right now, not that we don't want to peduli you, is we really scared off.

This morning i just had my embedded exam. Yesterday i went to find my another group of friends to have group study, the room was opposite the one that i always used for group study for passed few days. When i walk till the room, i saw they(my batch's friends) all group study in that room, so i was trying to be nice to go in and say Hi to everyone since they all saw me dy. Mana tau...when i go into the room, they all look at me quietly, with different kind of look in their eyes, as if i'm some kind of an alien to them. They all suddenly became so quiet, while riady at 1st don't know i went in, continue talking on his own, until he felt so weird why everyone suddenly so quiet, then he look back, and saw me, and just wave at me with a smile. Haiz...can you see how pathetic our friendship is? I have become nothing for them anymore. So i just walked out of the room and joined my another group of friends.

Today afternoon, met "L" in the open lab, then after that not long, "S" came in, but she peduli pun tidak peduli me. Never like last time, even i'm not close to her, she'll still be friendly with me, at least comeover me here and asked how was the exam and smile at me. Now no more dy. Well, when a friend who used to be your friend, right now still your friend, and future will be friend too, not smiling at you, not even peduli you anymore, that is so hurt...Why friends can become like that? I really really scared of everyone of them already. Scared and anti them. I have been isolated from their gang. 3 girls "A", "A" and "S", who that i ever be proud to have them as friends in my course, no more treating me good dy.

Before and after the embedded exam, I don't even dare to look at them, even though i look at them, they will never look back at me dy. That hurts...it hurts everytime i want to get their attention, but being rejected by not even looking at me, that's why i don't want to look at them anymore. Fear has been getting bigger inside me. I'm so scared. I give warm to friends, but friends gave me coldness.

What i can do now is just accept what friends had gave me, since they are forever my friends no matter what, and forgive them for what they did, and forgive myself for any mistakes that i had done...and will start to be as quiet as i can so not to make anymore misunderstanding...

This sem damn sucks. Sucks until i feel myself gone drowning inside the deep blue sea. Why? Why is it like that? People around me start to disbelieve in me. It hurts... because i did tried as hard as possible, but some other person just too scared of people around treating her like everyone treating me. She tend to do all the works by herself until people thought i didn't do work at all. I did find her everyday, every now and then, then asked her which part should i do, but she never tell me but ignored me and continue doing her works. Misunderstanding of what kind of person i am really hurts.

Still got 2 more years to go, and how am i gonna survive with it? with everyone? i know people talk bad behind my back. I think after this sem, my road will be a lot tougher than ever, and i still have to walk on it. I'm really struggling hard, really hard, damn hard, fucking hard. Fighting over my emotions, fighting over my feelings, fighting over my mind, fighting over my own self. Hurts and injuries everywhere. I'm always disguished myself, until i'm going to breakdown soon. I really meant it and seriously meant it, I'm going to be mentally breakdown.

I'm seriously begging for a break....