A bunch of good friends can turns into like that. It somehow pathetic. I used to love all of them, hang around with them, have fun with them, do fun things together. However, i felt myself being pushed away by them. I don't know how much did they talked bad about me. And it hurts when you actually heard how and what they talked bad about you...
This sem really teruk until tiam tiam. Last sem is "J", until this sem comes 2 "J"s, then suddenly popped out "A", then another "A" again...then slowly slowly virus infecting everyone. They all came at the same time, and i'm just a human, i'm not God, and not a real Devil either, why don't they understand the pains and sufferness when you have to take them all down together once? For those who ever had a real relationship before should understand the pains, and for those who never in it before, should try to step in people's shoes and support them, and not destroying them from sideway.
I felt that i have changed...changed in the point of views and thoughts compare between last time and right now. Last time I'm just like kids, never think about others, want to do anything just do only, shout out loud, embarrassing ownself and don't even mind about it, kept assuming people treating me bad just because they did it on purpose and hates them for life. I never try to understand how people feel and think. Until lots of things happened to me since last sem until now, it has been half a year already, bad things happened to me. I would never hurt any of my friends, as long as they are considered as friend to me. Even though it takes to exchange happiness, i would rather hurt myself than hurting them. Hurting them hurts me more. I dislike that feelings. I treasure friendships a lot, because even though i failed in my relationship life, i still have a bunch of good friends to feel good together. I'm not desperate for relationship, but desperate for friendship.
I called a few of them during critical time for several time, they didn't even pick up my phone. If i were last time, i'll pissed off very badly and angry with them and assumed that they don't want to pick it up on purpose. But now, i only will take that as they are busy with their own reports, or left their phone in the bag, car, or home. This is not an example, but it did happened when i tried to find them, in the end no one is picking up the phone. so? what to do? Me and "A" can only work on reports on our own. And there's another girl, who also happened to be like the old past time me, got angry just because i didn't pick up the phone. Well, i just want to do a small explanation about that day only, i'm out with my friend for a lunch, we just reached the center town, going to have lunch, then she messaged me, i replied, then we continue to walk to a cafe, after that i want to check out the time on my phone, took out my phone, saw 2 misscalls, 1 from her, 1 from "A". She called me 1st, then "A" called, in the misscall list, her name is below "A"'s name, so indirectly i called "A" back 1st before call her back, mana tau...my innocent call became my crime ki. -_- I teruk kena blamed, and being asked to do the report alone. That time i was really pissed, and i didn't even had my lunch with my friend yet, my friend have to send me back to uni liao. I had promised my friend that i'll have lunch with him long time ago, and in the end i broke my promise. Until now i still very paiseh to my friend, felt so guilty. However, after i finished the report the next day, i choose to forgive her, because i know that she's very frus and stress with all the works, and whenever she's stressed, she'll blown up like a volcano. Sorry to say you like that but that's the reason that me and "A" really really scared of you right now, not that we don't want to peduli you, is we really scared off.
This morning i just had my embedded exam. Yesterday i went to find my another group of friends to have group study, the room was opposite the one that i always used for group study for passed few days. When i walk till the room, i saw they(my batch's friends) all group study in that room, so i was trying to be nice to go in and say Hi to everyone since they all saw me dy. Mana tau...when i go into the room, they all look at me quietly, with different kind of look in their eyes, as if i'm some kind of an alien to them. They all suddenly became so quiet, while riady at 1st don't know i went in, continue talking on his own, until he felt so weird why everyone suddenly so quiet, then he look back, and saw me, and just wave at me with a smile. Haiz...can you see how pathetic our friendship is? I have become nothing for them anymore. So i just walked out of the room and joined my another group of friends.
Today afternoon, met "L" in the open lab, then after that not long, "S" came in, but she peduli pun tidak peduli me. Never like last time, even i'm not close to her, she'll still be friendly with me, at least comeover me here and asked how was the exam and smile at me. Now no more dy. Well, when a friend who used to be your friend, right now still your friend, and future will be friend too, not smiling at you, not even peduli you anymore, that is so hurt...Why friends can become like that? I really really scared of everyone of them already. Scared and anti them. I have been isolated from their gang. 3 girls "A", "A" and "S", who that i ever be proud to have them as friends in my course, no more treating me good dy.
Before and after the embedded exam, I don't even dare to look at them, even though i look at them, they will never look back at me dy. That hurts...it hurts everytime i want to get their attention, but being rejected by not even looking at me, that's why i don't want to look at them anymore. Fear has been getting bigger inside me. I'm so scared. I give warm to friends, but friends gave me coldness.
What i can do now is just accept what friends had gave me, since they are forever my friends no matter what, and forgive them for what they did, and forgive myself for any mistakes that i had done...and will start to be as quiet as i can so not to make anymore misunderstanding...
This sem really teruk until tiam tiam. Last sem is "J", until this sem comes 2 "J"s, then suddenly popped out "A", then another "A" again...then slowly slowly virus infecting everyone. They all came at the same time, and i'm just a human, i'm not God, and not a real Devil either, why don't they understand the pains and sufferness when you have to take them all down together once? For those who ever had a real relationship before should understand the pains, and for those who never in it before, should try to step in people's shoes and support them, and not destroying them from sideway.
I felt that i have changed...changed in the point of views and thoughts compare between last time and right now. Last time I'm just like kids, never think about others, want to do anything just do only, shout out loud, embarrassing ownself and don't even mind about it, kept assuming people treating me bad just because they did it on purpose and hates them for life. I never try to understand how people feel and think. Until lots of things happened to me since last sem until now, it has been half a year already, bad things happened to me. I would never hurt any of my friends, as long as they are considered as friend to me. Even though it takes to exchange happiness, i would rather hurt myself than hurting them. Hurting them hurts me more. I dislike that feelings. I treasure friendships a lot, because even though i failed in my relationship life, i still have a bunch of good friends to feel good together. I'm not desperate for relationship, but desperate for friendship.
I called a few of them during critical time for several time, they didn't even pick up my phone. If i were last time, i'll pissed off very badly and angry with them and assumed that they don't want to pick it up on purpose. But now, i only will take that as they are busy with their own reports, or left their phone in the bag, car, or home. This is not an example, but it did happened when i tried to find them, in the end no one is picking up the phone. so? what to do? Me and "A" can only work on reports on our own. And there's another girl, who also happened to be like the old past time me, got angry just because i didn't pick up the phone. Well, i just want to do a small explanation about that day only, i'm out with my friend for a lunch, we just reached the center town, going to have lunch, then she messaged me, i replied, then we continue to walk to a cafe, after that i want to check out the time on my phone, took out my phone, saw 2 misscalls, 1 from her, 1 from "A". She called me 1st, then "A" called, in the misscall list, her name is below "A"'s name, so indirectly i called "A" back 1st before call her back, mana tau...my innocent call became my crime ki. -_- I teruk kena blamed, and being asked to do the report alone. That time i was really pissed, and i didn't even had my lunch with my friend yet, my friend have to send me back to uni liao. I had promised my friend that i'll have lunch with him long time ago, and in the end i broke my promise. Until now i still very paiseh to my friend, felt so guilty. However, after i finished the report the next day, i choose to forgive her, because i know that she's very frus and stress with all the works, and whenever she's stressed, she'll blown up like a volcano. Sorry to say you like that but that's the reason that me and "A" really really scared of you right now, not that we don't want to peduli you, is we really scared off.
This morning i just had my embedded exam. Yesterday i went to find my another group of friends to have group study, the room was opposite the one that i always used for group study for passed few days. When i walk till the room, i saw they(my batch's friends) all group study in that room, so i was trying to be nice to go in and say Hi to everyone since they all saw me dy. Mana tau...when i go into the room, they all look at me quietly, with different kind of look in their eyes, as if i'm some kind of an alien to them. They all suddenly became so quiet, while riady at 1st don't know i went in, continue talking on his own, until he felt so weird why everyone suddenly so quiet, then he look back, and saw me, and just wave at me with a smile. Haiz...can you see how pathetic our friendship is? I have become nothing for them anymore. So i just walked out of the room and joined my another group of friends.
Today afternoon, met "L" in the open lab, then after that not long, "S" came in, but she peduli pun tidak peduli me. Never like last time, even i'm not close to her, she'll still be friendly with me, at least comeover me here and asked how was the exam and smile at me. Now no more dy. Well, when a friend who used to be your friend, right now still your friend, and future will be friend too, not smiling at you, not even peduli you anymore, that is so hurt...Why friends can become like that? I really really scared of everyone of them already. Scared and anti them. I have been isolated from their gang. 3 girls "A", "A" and "S", who that i ever be proud to have them as friends in my course, no more treating me good dy.
Before and after the embedded exam, I don't even dare to look at them, even though i look at them, they will never look back at me dy. That hurts...it hurts everytime i want to get their attention, but being rejected by not even looking at me, that's why i don't want to look at them anymore. Fear has been getting bigger inside me. I'm so scared. I give warm to friends, but friends gave me coldness.
What i can do now is just accept what friends had gave me, since they are forever my friends no matter what, and forgive them for what they did, and forgive myself for any mistakes that i had done...and will start to be as quiet as i can so not to make anymore misunderstanding...
